The Great Escapes

During the evening 3 of the six beds were emptied and the three of us that remained were hoping for a quiet night without the poor souls that had been moved due to certain "mental attributes". One old chap had taken a liking to sitting in his own mess and only standing up to pee in his drinking water jug. Sadly, the nurses failed to notice his predicament, thinking he had bad wind and was drinking Lucozade!

All hopes of peace were shattered when three new guys were brought onto the bay, two on beds and one in a chair. I prey that nurses drive cars better than they drive beds. still, the door frames and walls can be filled and repainted easily enough.

In the early hours there was an incident. Mr "X" who had arrived sat in a wheelchair and who could not walk, had vanished. The two staff nurses (neither of whom had English as their first language) set off to search the ward. Both went in opposite directions, pulling open curtains around beds, opening and closing toilet doors and calling to each other along the corridor. Even those patients who'd opted for sedation were by now stirring and grumbling. Panic was now setting into both nurses and their natural accents of East European and Asian were causing even more confusion. "How can he be gone? He cannot walk. Look under the beds." Random ideas abounded, but he was gone.
Time to call the porters. "We've lost a patient, can you help?" Of course the porters could help. They came to the ward, double quick, equipped with a body bag and a trolley.
"We've come to collect your patient for the mortuary."
"We don't have any dead patients, we have lost one."
"You mean you have a missing patient?"
"Yes, but he isn't far away, because he can't walk..." And so it went on. The porters searched the hospital and grounds with no luck. The staff nurses eventually called the patients relatives and were rather taken aback at the furious response. The relatives suggested that the police were called. This was a rather unpopular  suggestion, as it would then become more "official" and questions would certainly be asked the next day. Then, after a few tearful moments, one nurse thought to call the patient's mobile phone. He answered.
"Mr "X", where are you?"
"I'm at home."
"How did you get there?"
"I walked."
"But you can't walk."
"Why not?"
"Because your hospital notes say you can't."
"Well they're wrong. I said I can't wait."
"Wait for what?"
"The doctors. They took too long. That's what I told the nurse when I left."
Everyone waited for their medication while a suitable story was written in the report. Then dawn broke.

34 years ago when I was being stabilised a young lad made a similar escape from the ward. He was due a tonsillectomy and was sent to have a bath. He managed to climb through a tiny window in the bathroom and walked 4 miles home in his hospital gown and slippers.  He missed his operation but at lunch-time got extra ice-cream for coming back. I wonder if it was the same guy?